to all my friends you’re all gonna die
and I’ll be stuck never wondering why
I ain’t sad. I’m more so upset
it was such a selfish manner in which all of you left
I talked to god, he saved you some grace
not to count up all the time that you wasted
you cheated death and that’s ok
but according to his watch you were already late
to question god is to question my faith
but heaven seems like such a questionable place (it is)
but while I’m here I know I’m alive
and it hurts me to know that you’re all gonna die

to all my friends you’ve already died
and I am stuck wondering why
see I ain’t mad, and I ain’t upset
because I’m the closest thing to sainthood you never will get
I talked to god, he saved you a place
a spot too far for you to spit in his face because
I never asked for you to believe
I just asked for you to say ‘goodbye’, before you leave

I hate say, ‘I told you so’
‘I told you so’

our memories at discount rates
still we can’t afford it
I believe in something so I hope you’re going somewhere

to all my friends who’d rather get high
I’ll be at ground level watching you die
fuck drugs and fuck straight edge
those are both the things that got the best of my friends
and to all the girls that make it a trend
to fuck all of my friends
we’ll all die of the same disease
whether you got it in bed or you got it on your knees

can’t wait to say, ‘I told you so’
I told you so

the boulder on my back has been washed away
the worst part is, I don’t miss the weight
the tide is high and they’re washing face
within the sea of time pissed away
the boulder on my back has been washed away
the worst part is I don’t miss the weight
when the tide is high I’ll watch them sink
into the sea of misery

to all my friends this is the end
I’ll leave you six feet under with those shit eating grins
to all my friends this is the end
and this is way more important than that bullshit with ben
to all my friends who’d rather be dead
I refuse to let you leave without this song in your head

all our memories, all at discount rates

Sometimes, I honestly wish I was a typical Asian.

My life has become far too plain. Wake up, drink coffee, go to class, continue to drink coffee, go to more class, work, study, get high, attempt to study, watch tv, sleep, repeat.

I need more to my life.

Today was one of those nightmares that had no ending. It just keep going and going, with a never ending cycle that would eventually end, but in my current state of mind, it seemed like forever kept repeating.

I’m sick. Not physically, although I wouldn’t be surprised if I am, but I’m sick in my head. I don’t know what and I can’t figure it all out, but there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, or what, but there’s a growing parasite inside me. Metaphorically speaking, of course. And when I come back later and re-read these passages, I’ll think about how simple my life was before shit hit the fan.

I look all around me and I have everything and nothing going for me. 

There’s a transition period in one’s life where everything seems to be hopeless. Their world spirals in a downward spiral, all the while, the world keeps moving.

Laughing.

Vilifying.

So what is it that makes us change? A catalyst. When a caterpillar emerges from its cocoon, it re-breathes life into a seemingly dead carapace. It becomes something new, something different. It may even not recognize it’s old self.

This is the stage that I am at in my life. I am trying, with some difficulty, to spin my cocoon around my nubile, seemingly fragile body. It will be a long and difficult road, one with many bumps and twists.

I hope to god I’m strong enough.

I broke today.

That’s right. I don’t really know what came over me. It just was. I was stressing about my midterm today, plus I had a presentation after the midterm, PLUS, I had to work and help direct a concert (not really, but seeing as how I was the only staff member there for a bit, I took it upon myself to lead as best I could). And, I mean it’s only natural to be stressed out. I can’t imagine myself not being stressed out. But I thought I could handle it.

And then I started to breathe heavily. And all of a sudden, I started to cry. In the middle of the grass. Just started to shake and cried. It feels weird saying it out and putting it down. Most of the time, I would tell myself to just sack up and keep pushing through, but this time, something just snapped inside.

Maybe it was because I knew I failed my exam. Maybe it was because I had too much coffee. Hell, maybe it was just because I hadn’t cried in a really, really long time. 

Although, I must say, I felt pretty good afterwards. It cleared my head.

I think the reason why I broke down was because it finally dawned on me how difficult this life really is. Living in a fairly well-to-do family can shield what some people like to call “The Real World”. It came as a sudden realization that, why the fuck would anyone want to hire me? Why the fuck should anyone take me seriously? Why the fuck aren’t I doing anything with my life?

I think these are questions everyone, at some point in their lives, asks themselves. And they’re questions that still bother me.

Fundraisers piss the shit out of me.

Ok, now if you’re reading this, you may be wondering, yo dude, why the hate? They’re just trying to give money to less fortunate people. Ok, fair enough. You want to give money to victims of Katrina or the earthquake in Haiti. All very noble causes and I applaud people for helping out.

But I only applaud those that actually go out and help individuals. I’m not talking about multi-billion dollar corporations throwing money at a problem, hoping it will go away. No, I’m talking about the people who fly out to these places and devote their time and effort into helping these people. Hell, if I could do that, or if something moved me to want to jump on a plane and help people, I would do it in a heartbeat.

What really pisses me off are these yuppy, stupid excuses for humanitarian aide bullshit you find on college campuses.

You’ve read the signs: “COME OUT TO SOME BAR AND GET DRUNK. ALL THE WHILE, THE MONEY YOU’RE USING IS GOING TOWARDS SOMETHING YOU KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT! Yay, go [insert familiar Greek initials].”

God damn, what are you doing to contribute to society?! You’re fucking throwing money at a problem. This is not how you solve a problem. These so called “charity fundraisers” that people hold (now granted this does not mean ALL charities are pointless, just ones that take no direct action to solving a problem) are a great starting point to interest someone in potentially helping out a problem. But real change will not be achieved in this way.

What really irks me is those individuals in these clubs and Greek life, saying that they’re a “Charity based organization” or they’re “humanitarian based”. I call bullshit. What do you do? You throw a party that only briefly educates your attendees. You guzzle loads of alcoholic beverages and party. It’s not helping anyone, so don’t disguise your party as something “helpful”.

Another thing that really pisses me off. So you’ll help someone in Haiti, but you won’t help the homeless man who sleeps outside of your coffee shop? Fuck you. Why do you have to pick and choose who you help? Why not just help anyone who needs help? Isn’t that the “humanitarian” thing to do?

My stance? Well, I can hardly help myself. But I try and give help to those in need. I’ll eat dinner with a homeless person if I can scrape enough money together for the both of us. Otherwise, sorry dude, but I gotta look after myself before I can help others. I don’t think I can stress this enough, I love helping out those less fortunate than me. It fills me with pride and knowing that maybe one of these people I help out will affect another person and so on and so on….but to do this, I need to keep myself in order. If I can’t help myself, who the fuck am I to help someone else?

So fuck charities. If you want to help someone, do something about it. Don’t just party.

/rant end.